"All of our young lives we search for someone to love. Someone that makes us complete. We choose partners and change partners. We dance to a song of heartbreak and hope. All the while wondering if somewhere, somehow, there's someone perfect who might be searching for us."- The Wonder Years

I like to think of myself as someone in search of the best person in the world for me. I would gladly be with only one person for the rest of my life, and if I find him now, then alls well and good, but if I find him later, then thats okay too. Point is, whenever I have an opportunity for a relationship,I factor in many things,such as the longevity of it, could we last, I test the guy, I get into the relationship primarily for it to last. And maybe along the way I've faltered and made the wrong choices, but I dont think Ive ever led the guy on to believe otherwise.

Which is why finding out that theres a rumor that my last relationship ended because I slept the guy and left him and hurt him and I felt guilty and tats why I dont talk to him anymore and Im a bitch and thats apparently what I "do"...well, thats a slap in my face and I should be angry and I should be sad and I swear there should be so many things but right now all i feel is numb and drained.

I dont even talk to my last boyfriend anymore so I cant ask him if thats what he spread. But in my heart of hearts, I know its just not possible for him to do that so I suppose it had tpo be some malicious person altogether. The reason I couldnt talk to him couldnt possibly be because I was still in love with him then and any contact with him justpulled me deeper in there, could it?

If I try to deny, people will wonder why Im so defensive, and if I dont, theyll wonder why Im not. Question remains, Do I want to be know as the girl who dumped him and left him or the girl he dumped and left? and why does it still matter, one year later?

I feel like the more I talk about it, the less special our relationship will have been, so Ill just end it here.

Why is todays hero all about emotionally suffering? Is it because we all have eveything we could ever want given to us on a silver plate, from the second we are born? That all our wants are fulfilled before we even realised we wanted those wants? Because our needs arent needs but actually prerequisites to life? That everything we crave materially for can be so easily obtained but the things we need within us are left empty? Because our parents and the generations before them have already fought the good fight and we have nothing left to fight for?

Nothing left to fight for, so we battle with our emotions, we fight with ourselves, we scratch and we bite and we hiss and we cry and we whine at things we cant fix primarily because we cant fix them anyway. So I think we SHOULDNT let those things get us down. Because we will be so much more than this.

The semester ended last Friday. Not a moment too soon.

The weight [heaviness on our shoulders/ the cross we bear/the burdens we carry] is a gift, and we're not going out like that.

Brace yourselves for a deluge of an entry.

Last Friday, I found myself on top of a little passenger express boat, I kid you not, roaring down a river, with a bunch of people, two girls and four guys for our group, huddled together for warmth, under a green canvas with the rain bearing down on us and hitting us like bullets due to the speed of the boat, with the Borneo rainforest on either side of us, and one of us asking, "Is it just me or do u all also get this surreal feeling like we're on freakin Lost?"

It took as SIX FREAKING HOURS! And we were ONTOPOFABOATROOF!!!

Hahaha. I have lived on Borneo my entire life, but regardless of what any of you may think, I have hardly ever experienced the Borneo shown on TV, the Borneo where that first Survivor was held, the supposedly exotic Borneo of tribes and jungle and what not. Ive lived in the town of Bandar Seri Begawan and Miri for a good portion, and while not considered roaring cities, theyre not exactly backwater either. On this Longhouse visit, I was immersed in a part of Borneo I didnt realise was still very much richly in existence.

And thats really all I have to say. Tho I was surprised at how much the indigenous people can drink, and how strong they are, as well as how the town has WIFI but no phone line. And how seemingly..fresh everything was out there. It was just different and while part of me missed civilisation, I must admit how I craved the simplicity of life the little village and the longhouse offered.

Nice.

Though my friends who lost uh, their phones and armani shades on the journey down the river could probably attempt to kill me because of my positive feedback, it was a really good getaway and I cant wait to do it again one day.

I havent seen the Da Vinci Code yet and theres already talks of Angels and Daemons being made into a film. Hold up!

Okay, I cant put photos up, but oh my God, this cracked me up: http://media.onetreehillweb.net/images/othposter.png

Its the adults of One Tree Hill in the exact same pose as the teens of One Tree Hill. That show is my guilty pleasure, my closet addiction and admitting that here really makes me want to shoot myself and find another nifty fandom. Could I not have found something less dramatic to be a fan of? Nay, I say, because this show indulges my need for freakin good music (I really recommend For Blue Skies- Strays Dont Sleep), for good quotes (AHHH!) for girl friends (we all need a Haley-Peyton-Brooke in our lives, tho perhaps not the liking of each others man part..), for boyfriends (I want a Nathan! Or Lucas! Or even a Skills or Mouth!), for escapism, mostly, and for maybe just having a place to settle in and feel at home at the end of the day, even if it is just a television show with ridiculously good looking characters that go through more drama in an episode than I do in okay, a week (since my life does have its own dramas, and not all are self induced) and they get shot, they get killed, they get laid, they get their hearts stomped on and crushed over and over and over and at the end of the day, theyre still willing to go on and live.

Or maybe I just need to get some sleep.

Today is my 3rd consecutive day of running on empty, miraculously pushing 20 hour days, with 2 to 4 hours sleep as my break (4 hours if Im lucky). I got home last nite at 4 am and then proceeded to do my laundry till about 515 am because that, my dear readers, was the only time I was free to do so. I then slept and got up at 8 and went to uni by 9 am and spent the whole day there, went home today for 3 hours and now Im here again and its almost 3 am and I have to be at uni tmrw by 9 am.

Oh, Im doing two group assignments and presentations btw. Plus had a test on Monday and a lab test this Friday, with council duties and work intersected. Its EVERYTHING at once and I dont like it.

It boggles my mind where I get my energy. made me laugh when she said,"Remember the city that never sleeps? Well Izzah's the girl that never sleeps!"

And I looked HORRIBLE today,apparently, so much so that one of my friends actually gave me her shades to wear in the labs because my eyes have horrible dark circles under them. I look like the walking dead apparently, but thats ok..except it has caused me to not really see people right in front of me..and has me hearing the wrong things and well..lets just say my brain is malfunctioning more than usual.

Saturday and Sunday plans is hibernation before I throw myself into studying for my exams. Oh joy.

(Who wants to bet that doesnt happen, full on hibernation, I mean?)

But darn it, Ill try.

Friday is the end of the semester. How utterly swift time flies.

And as I stared at her, I knew without a doubt, our respect for each other has reached an all time low, and it didnt matter if she found me frustrating or I found her frustrating, the truth of the matter was that we both liked each other about as much as we each liked weight gain. Not very much, really.

If I wanted to, I could throw myself at her mercy again, and ask her for forgiveness for whatever it was that slighted our friendship. I could grovel, and I could beg, and I could ask for her understanding and a second chance.

But then it would just repeat the same cycle. Over. And over. And over.

And so I dont. And its the same thing again.


And Im trying to tell someone my problems, to get it out, but I just cant seem to put this feeling into words. He asked and I couldnt find the words. He wanted to listen and I couldnt mesh my feelings about myself together.

Its easier to ignore than to deal with it. And I hardly know where to turn, because no one has time to deal with the issues of a supposedly independant girl.

"There was just a moment when things weren't quite the same, weren't quite as they had always been through the long friendship." –The Giver

Like I said before, Brunei will always remain Brunei, and theres just something about going back that I cant put my finger on, but it just...rubs me the wrong way. And I guess though a large part of my childhood and adolescence, my entire life really, was spent there, its not really home anymore.

Its like from the second I cross the border into Brunei, I hold my breath and its a series of reruns and Im not 20 years old anymore. Im not what I am in uni, Im 14 and back in my awkward adolescent period again, my self esteem is at a down low and I have to wait till Im safely back across the border in order to breathe.

Not to say Im scared in Brunei. But lets just say I just feel like a whole different person at uni and when Im in Brunei, its like my past swallows me up and the people there dont see me as anything more than that 14 year old.

Including my parents.

Like I said, Brunei isnt home for me anymore. I cant even tell you where 'home' is currently, with my mom and dad based in Kota Kinabalu and me here and so on and so forth. Is it Philippines, my home country? Here where Im doing uni and have learnt so much? Brunei, where I grew up?

Where I still have memories of traumas and happiness and bittersweet echoes?

I think I have to find a new home.

"..nothing is permanent. Especially people. Strangers become friends. Friends become lovers. Lovers become strangers. Strangers become friends once more, and over and over."

-Megan Mcafferty, Charmed Thirds

Brunei will always remain Brunei, and theres just something about going back that I cant put my finger on, but it just...rubs me the wrong way. And I guess though a large part of my childhood and adolescence, my entire life really, was spent there, its not really home anymore.

Most awkward medical questions ever asked to me have to be whether Im pregnant and whether Im sexually active, not the questions themselves, but how strange they sound coming from a little old (literally old) doctor.

I feel like if I said yes, they would topple over in shock. It would be funny to see that.

It is so bloody ironic that my current lack of sleep and high amounts of stress has resulted in a subtle weight loss, which is yay (but will probably pile on again when Im destressed) , and yet is punctuated by a hideous skin breakout.

Not that my skin was all peaches and cream before, but I didnt realise the extent of the problem until I was pasting an old Nov 2005 picture of myself onto a form last Friday. My skin was so clear in comparison to lately, and I realised I had to do something about it. So I did what I never thought I'd do, I stepped into a dermatologists office and came out with facial wash, pills and some drying out gel, all which cost me a small fortune on my student budget, money which could go to supeficial things, you understand, like blue margheritas (which are my current obsession but Ill be back on baileys soon enough), unnecessary but still prettiful beauty products and books, among other things.

You can all check on my skins clarity in about two weeks and if it remains the same or gets even worse, please join me in the thereafter stabbage of a certain dermatologist.

To keep up with the theme of some of the blog entries Ive read lately, I hate that while Im losing inches off my hips and yes, breasts, my stomach remains, and I suppose I must now attempt to conquer that with much dreaded exercise *shudder*.

Wow, my entries have become very silly lately.

"When you're far away as you are it is not so easy for you to take care of me." - Anon.
- From "Found" Davy Rotheart.

Psst, www.avirginsplea.com Its so cheap, u gotta help the guy. *rolls eyes* :D

You know what I hate? When people bang on the shower door and try to talk to me when Im having a shower. I have to turn it down and I lose momentum. I relaly doubt whatever you have to say would not have the same impact if I was dressed and at leats out of the shower in say 5 to ten minutes. No?!

Also, uni had a Groundbreaking ceremony of sorts, which starts phase 2 of the building of this place and all I can say is, its about bloody time.And um, yay? :D

Im too emo for words sometimes. Hey, ladies (Ing Hui! Steph! aww!) who read my last blog about my body image and cornered me at the caf, I meant it as short write up if you will, about how it *hasnt* affected my life and in the end I even thanked my friends for not judging my self worth based on my Body Mass Index ;) But I *love* you girls for caring. It means tons and bucketsful.

So, its cool. In reality, maybe its hard to believe, but I have a very much unhealthy TOO confident body image ;) (though I need to drop some pounds ;))

In other news, in terms of gaining, a lovely friend, Oscar, helped me increase my measly 2 mb hotmail ac to well, even more, and Im eternally grateful. I was almost considering shutting that account down, because of my massive gmail storage account. But Im stupidly sentimental about many things, and the email add Ive had since I was 14 is one of them.

Im heading to Brunei this weekend and Im excited. Very much. I need an alcohol and drama free weekend.

Also, seeing the fmaily again has got to rock, right? :)

By the time you swear you're his, shivering and sighing, and he vows his passion is infinite, undying - lady, make note of this: One of you is lying.

I've never been so lost, and yet I've never felt so much at home.

Ive always felt that crying is your bodys last resort when it has no more tears left to voice out its sadness. And yet lately..


And yet lately, Ive found that tears are finite.

I once thought if ever I had a problem, I could cry cry cry, and Id be done and Id be good, if I could just purge myself of all the things that hurt me and made me ache, like the long gone days when I was younger and Id just lock myself in my room and cry till the pain went away. Because it hurts. Dont you hate how most of us have a lot of things going for us and yet we hurt? It always hurts.

Isnt it funny how so many of us have a roof over our heads, an education, enough money, enough happiness, loved ones and yet somehow we are all still so sad?

Lately, Ive been feeling so numb to so many things that would have made me cry so many eons ago. Heck, Ive been doing things which would have made me pause a year ago. I feel morally depleted. The same things that would have made me cry last year are right now not having any effect and I cant remember the last time I cried, and I dont mean a tear or two at sad endings of tv shows, I mean heart wrenching, nerve wrecking, body wracking somehow cleansing sobs, and I wish I knew why.

I dont think its a sad thing, I just dont know if Im growing up or stunting my growth. Things are not going so well for me, and normally id cry it out, but its just good enough anymore.

I havent cried in ages. Maybe its all accumulating and Im going to burst one day, but I dont think today is that day.

Point of this entry is stating that crying just doesnt do it for me anymore. Sometimes I just lie in bed and stare at my ceiling, willing the tears to come, but they dont. Its like I know now that tears just dont fix anything, and while the temporary release feels good, a permanent fix would be even better.

I havent been feeling myself lately, and I dont know if its because of one large thing or an accumulation of a lot of little things. I feel Ive hit a quarterlife crisis, if you may.

I just dont feel happy, and I feel so sad and so lonely sometimes and I wish I didnt.

Depression is so late 90's.

Maybe I have reasons to be sad and thats why I am. And yet, maybe I dont.

Or maybe I just need a chocolate fix.

And to end this entry, just because I found this ultimately cheap yet hilarious: http://www.avirginsplea.com/

And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music. ~ Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

Karen off One Tree Hill said, "The best way to get over someone is get under someone else." Then she paused and realised what it meant and tried to take back her advice and her son covered his ears.

I thought that scene was really cute, if only a few days later, it didnt cringingly seem to apply to myself. Its an annoying stereotype that only guys use girls and thats all I have to say on that matter.

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams

I think what I miss most about being in a steady relationship is the underlying certainty that at the end, no matter how horrible this day treats you, no matter how absolutely unhappy you are with the way your friends and family are behaving towards you, no matter how harsh the week has been, you know that theres someone who, for the moment at least, has made you their world and them your own, and youre somehow in a protected bubble, despite the flaws (and arguably, maybe because of the flaws), inspite of the imperfections, and it just helps you get through the day just a little bit more, with the bonus touch of love.

I miss the knowledge that theres someone you can turn to and in a weird sort of way, you know youre walking through your lives together. I miss being held and understood and I miss having someone I know thru and thru.

So despite whats happening to you, your grades are currently slipping, your mother is unhappy, your life isnt going exactly the way you want it to, theres another body out there that doenst know exactly what youre feeling, but its willing to try.

Of course, I could just miss kissing, but lets pretend for a moment that Im beyond that shallow need now.

On another note, this weeks been harsh, and Ive been at the brink of tears from exhaustion but I just think of the bigger picture, my graduation, my degree, my future, my career, my life past university, and I guess thats where I draw my strength from. I will not break down again.

But I suppose a hug would not have been all that unwelcome right now.

you larn more about someone in an hour of play than in a year of conversation

You know, you think youve forgotten all about him, its been weeks since you last thought of him,then you go somewhere you used to spend time in, around people you both used to chill with, cradling the same drinks you used to drink together, hearing the songs you used to dance to and at the same time use as pseudo foreplay, and out of blue, everything just hits you at once and instead of thinking about the great guy looking at you across the dancefloor or that sweet guy who's been texting you lately, his face is all you see, his arms are all you remember around you, his voice is all you can hear, and the memories blur your vision, youre all choked up, youre back to then and the now is gone, and to stop the tears from running down your face and ruin the night (not to mention the makeup), you have a choice. You can pour another drink down your throat and forget, dance the night away. Or you can sit and remember, cherish the memories.

I chose the jd with coke last night option. Didnt make things better but did make the night that bit more bearable.

Not to say last night wasnt fun,it was amazingly glorious, one of the best nights out with my girls and other friends but just goddamn the bloody memories.