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Location: Kazakhstan

I never seem to run out of things to say.



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and my interests include
cheesecake / life and love / sate/ baileys/ seafood/ pralines/ sheesha/ rollercoasters/ joyriding/ learn to sleep more/ writing/ vodka on the rocks/ menthol puffs/ mixing spices / manila / brunei / miri/ kk / good coffee / "i love you's" / moments / words / rainy days / airports / sunsets / spontaneity / beautiful shoes / food in all its forms / my baby brother / eyeliner / books / sweet SMS's / sucker for anything acoustic / laughter


Things To Do Before I Turn 22
Get that overdue drivers license

Visit a new country

Travel

Learn to cook

Live and love


Beautiful People
My Loved Ones

and you said...



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    While everything around me is ever changing, ever dying, there is underlying that change a living power that is changeless, that holds all together, that creates, dissolves and recreates....For I can see in the midst of death, life persists, in the midst of untruth, truth persists, in the midst of darkness light persists ~Mohandas K. Gandhi Site Fights Spirit Counter

    twenty. loud. addicted to certain fandoms. reads fanfiction. likes to twist the written word. can talk about anything under the sun (and thats the problem). This blog is a compilation of my thoughts and my life...so you know it wont be very interesting. ;)

    Saturday, April 29, 2006

    If youre fat, dont take pictures with your skinny friends.

    No, really, thats the moral of todays story.

    I flicked thru some of my older pictures, and I was just agog at how taking pictures with my skinny friends just somehow seems to amplify my um, not so skinnyness, for lack of a better euphemism for it.

    You know what, for the first time in my life, Im actually trying to control my food intake, not really for any big reason, but just because Ive hit the big 2-0 and Im not exactly young anymore. I worry about my health and with my familys history of heart problems and hypertension and diabetes, its not exactly an einsteinish guess that if I dont cut down, I could very well be the next victim of a highly avoidable health problem.

    But you know what, I think Ive heard it from almost every girl I know, even the skinniest of the skinny, that on one time or another, they were on a diet. And especially after I entered college, being on a diet just seemed to be in thing to do and whining about your fatness and weight gain and hips and thighs and arms and whatever flawed body part you had just seemed to SHOUT "WE ARE SISTERS!"

    And I guess I sorta fell into that for a while, but now Im just flipping thru photos and I wonder why I was never compelled to lose the weight growing up.

    I could take the easy way of and blame my family for my weight gain, as I was skinny as a toddler but given vitamin supplements by my mother to gain weight because she felt her kids didnt look cute skinny. Lol, yeah, you heard me. My moms simple and wonderful that way. She felt moving from Phils to Brunei was reason for us to return to the Phils on holiday fat and not skinny.

    Nevertheless, a healthy appetite for everything, food, music, life, you name it, has always been promoted by my family of five. And now, I cant say I regret it.

    I guess I grew up in kind of a protective bubble where your self worth was not determined by your physical beauty or in my case, lack thereof.

    My dad, you see, always called me healthy. Kids at school would tease me about it and once I cried when I got home because of it and he just told me I was healthy.

    Okay.

    Then my mother, when she realised I couldnt fit in the kids department anymore, instead of bringing my weight down a notch, she decided to instead upgrade me to the ladies department, which, actually boosted my self esteem just a little coz I felt so grown up shopping there.

    And my friends, I dunno, I had tight friends growing up. My weight was just never and issue. You know? of course I felt it when all the boys started liking the skinnier girls but I was just blase and went all oh, my prince will come, tra lalala and went on with my life. My life was never on pause just because I didnt have a boy then (neither is it on pause now).

    My parents never asked me to lose weight. And my parents are my idols. They thought I was beautiful, just as I was. So if your idols think youre perfectly lovely, why would you listen to anyone else?

    So even when reports that I was overweight came home, theyd shrug it off and ask me if I was happy.

    And being a fairly happy 11 year old, of course I was. I was being given delicious food anytime I wanted, and I had loving friends and family and my weight never really was an issue.

    Then I hit adolescence.

    And maybe I was reaaaally lucky, because adolesence is supposed to be the time of your life when looks matter and looks compromise how you feel, but quite frankly, I dont think my looks ever held me back, in the sense that perhaps I felt quite safe behind the dorky glasses, thick eyebrows, no makeup, the frizzy hair and layers of fat and horrible fashion sense. I was always underestimated, you see, and instead of letting this hinder me, I suppose I used peoples underestimation of me to my advantage. I liked surprising people.

    Thats not to say I never had my bouts of insecurity, coz hey, i had them, but they just didnt hold me back. I was really blessed, I believe, to be surrounded by people who didnt measure my worth by how physically attractive I was.

    Dont get me wrong, I dont think Im severely obese but Im not going to lie and say I was slim. Right now Im just uhh..chunky? *grin* But hey, more to love and those who dont want to be my friend or whatever just because of weight issues? They can go screw themselves because I dont want to know them either.

    Because, frankly, Ive never really had a problem finding friends and loves and life and never found my weight a hindrance socially (except when it comes to u know, wearing sexy clothes coz I doubt i can pass off sexy so hee.). I go out, I have fun, I have a life. And I like it.

    And in that respect as well, I guess I learned to hone my conversational skills, my brain, and my personality because god knows, you can be ugly, but its a little bit more accepted if youre nice and funny.

    And now Im 20, and I hate to say Ive joined the weight loss/watch your weight bandwagon, but really, only because I want to live for a very long time and not be stopped in my tracks because of a couple of pounds.

    And fitting into my thinner pants dont hurt either.

    But like I said. The extra curves have never stopped me in my pursuit of life before.

    But in the process, well, heeheehee, I think Ill just have to well, stop taking pictures with my skinny friends for a while. :D

    And hey, mom? Dad? Childhood buds? Former loves? Friends?

    Thanks for never measuring my self worth by my body mass index, okay? :)

    Why is it, as a culture, we are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands? ~ Ernest Gaines

    I just had the biggest shock of my life.

    Okay, not exactly of my LIFE per se, but I just discovered how much I missed out on by not taking any sort of literature back in high school when it was being offered.

    Look me in the eye and tell me you all also had the mistaken impression that "Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo" really meant "Romeo, Romeo, where are you, Romeo" and NOT "Romeo, Romeo, WHY are your Romeo?"

    Because, apparently, it means that!


    A wise friend indulged me that it means:
    Yes. She's asking "Why are you Romeo?" "Where are you Romeo" seems to make sense because he pops up right afterwards. But she's really just being sad at the fact that he's her enemy because of their last names.

    The line goes (I've heard it enough times.. *rolls eyes*) "Romeo, Romeo, Wherefore art thou Romeo; Deny thy father and refuse thy name. Or, if though wilt not.." Blah blah. She's asking why he has to be a Montague and she a Capulet. And then she's like well I don't care, we don't have to be defined by those words.



    *blink*

    Well, you really do learn something new everyday.

    Friday, April 21, 2006

    People, places, events and things pass in and out of your life. What you're left with is whatever you choose to keep.


    The thing with growing up is the overwhelming contradictions that youre faced with, the number of expectations that society has of you and what you have of yourself, and then breaking that down and deciding what you truly want to be.

    And its even tougher when youre growing up female.

    Okay, waking up at 730 am to receive a call from one of your best friends? Probably one of the best wayes to wake up.

    Ever.

    Yesterday, my mother called me in the morning and she was in tears. My mother. In tears. I listened. I comforted. But it was so weird to be the one acting like an adult to the woman who's raised me and I admit that my nerves were more than a little shot after the phone call.

    So theres an offer I want to accept but Im still second guessing on whether or not I should grab it or let it go by. Part of me is thrilled to bits while the other half is neutral on it all. It could be the best part of my life. Or it could very well be the worst time ever.

    I guess its just funny when something youve always wanted becomes something you have. And then you have to wonder whether it really was something you always wanted in the first place.

    Im pretty complacent about where life has brought me so far, and I think in a way, I really have done all I can do in this place.

    Academically, Im not so bad. Extracurricular wise, Ive done it all, I think, being able to move from a soar advisor to student ambassador to student council. I've had my fun times, Ive had my tears, Ive made my friends, Ive had my loves, Ive had my life. In my circles of friends that remain here and havent left/transferred to perth or kl/ gotten terminated, Im probably the only one whos in her final year and its like, in a way, Im so done with it all. I had a good run and I feel my uni is tired of me or Im tired of it and theres not really any more left to look forward to.

    Hell, I *have* been here for four years.

    And now its like all I really really really want to do is either get out of here or graduate.

    Whichever comes first.

    Yeah.

    Whichever comes first.

    Thursday, April 13, 2006

    I still love you. I will always love you. Its just..I just dont trust you.

    So, if I told you that one of my goals is to one day go bungee jumping, would u think I was nuts?

    Or that because of One Tree Hill, I now have a motto that goes something like, "People always leave. So try not to be one left behind."

    As per usual, I havent slept all night, and stayed up chatting with my housemates and friends and watching, of all things, one of my closet addictions, the one and only One Tree Hill. We just managed to get season 3 and Im all hyped up on Lucas love.

    Because say what you want about Chad Michael Murray, but *whistles* that boy is fine.

    Not sleeping all nite isnt smart, as I have a full day of classes and a planned nite chock full of girl fun, retail therapy, movie and pizza, so. heh, shiyat, much? You *know* I need energy. but caffeine has stopped working for me.

    *taps fingers*

    I wish I had something more interesting to say. But I dont. So until I do, I'll have to end.

    Here.

    Wednesday, April 12, 2006

    Shh. I dont want the dawn to hear

    Well, its been a while since my last blog. Heya Emily and Amilyn. I actually have visitors! :P

    For some reason, caffeine just doesnt doit for me anymore. Thats bad news. I need a new vice.

    International nite actually was everything I expected it to be, inthe respect that everything that could possibly go wrong did go wrong, such as drinks running out, low turn out, performers coming late, audio nt working well, audience not reacting to the emcees which had me taking over, the flags falling, the other council members being MIA during the setup and cleanup..It wasnt what youd call a disaster but it was pretty much close to one.

    But its done, its past. I was glad for the support from those who actually wore traditional costumes, and as it was the first time it ever happened in my university, it wasnt so bad. But suck, it did, and its a learning experience.

    Lets leave it at that.

    In other news,Im very happy as I can now go online from home. Theres wireless connection that my laptop is all up for, but is stupid, in the sense, that it can only be used outside the house. Ah. Mosquitoes are eating me. I should start smoking just to blow the mozzies away.Hee, I have such a kickass connection. Sometimes. It wavers from bad to good.

    Its the holiest week of the Catholic calendar, and I havent done anything at allfor it. I havent been respecting the Lent season or even gone for confession. I dont know whats up with me, religious wise, lately. Its like I do believe in God, thats not even a question, but I dont understand why everything else related just makes me feel numb. I hope I snap out of this soon.

    Its funny how I procrastinate on shaving my legs when I know Im the only one whos going to be touching them.Dont look at my legs differently now.

    I think no girl should exit her house without at least a dab of powder, a slick of lipgloss and eyeliner.

    You know, Ive never complained about my university or town Im in, as Ive never felt tired of it before, but right now, for some reason, I do. I just feel so done with it all. Ive reached a plateau where Im tired of the people and the place and the dramas and the never ending wave of gossip that sucks you in.Im glad I have good friends and housemates, but other than them and a few random people, I could honestly tell you right now, I dont care about anything else (aside from studies, but thats a given), and this shows in how I cage myself studying or online in the council office and dont spend time in the cafe as much anymore. Its like Ive lost the gung ho lets be everyones friend mentality I used to have. I mean, dont get me wrong, I love people, always will, but now,Im..losing that.Maybe coz Im older. Or more content with life.

    I dont know whats wrong with me, or maybe its finally something right.