how to save a life
Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you’ve told him all along
And pray to God he hears you - the fray

Life's so messy right about..

Now.

and maybe larger than life is just the right size

Whenever i say Im a nomad, sometimes it makes me sad because I wish I wasnt constantly running from where Ive been to find a place where i can belong.

How in the world is it possible for me to be so healthy so virile so young..yet so unhappy?

Im constantly in search of ways to be happy. But what is happiness anyway? Is it the feeling of being loved, of accomplishment, of contentment? Having enough friends or having more than enough? Having wealth in ways one never thought possible or achieving fame in other ways? Is happiness something intangible with no specific meaning? Its true that one person's happiness is anothers heartache. That could be why we're all so unhappy. That feeling of being in limbo, trying to adjust what we want and what we really need.

I've managed to come to terms about why I may be unhappy. I think its got a lot to do with Ifs. If my parents hadnt uprooted from Brunei and had me lose a constant in my life, if my family was still in one place and not in various parts of Borneo, if I hadnt pushed away people who could have loved me and I could have loved because I feared it all, if I had a proper circle of friends and hadnt depended on myself too much, if I hadnt depended on people who werent geographically present but somehow still felt so THERE, if only I had concentrated on the present more than the past and the future, if only my mom and dad werent contsnatly in 3 different places every month, from Brunei to KK or Philippines, if only my lil brother wasnt in KK, if only my older brother wasnt in brunei and planning to leave, if only my childhood caretaker was still around, if only if only if only if only..

The if only's could kill someone.

Some say home is where the heart is. But I dont know where my home is. I havent lived in the Philippines long enough for me to ever feel comfortable there, my parents have left brunei and I graduate from Miri soon. So it stands to reason that at the same time I've misplaced my heart just a little along the way.

In other news, Matet, thanks for the fabulous weekend and time you showed me in brunei. I think I really abused your hospitality there ;) Thanks, babe, I had a fabulous time.

And now Im nomadding at Stephs place. Hee.

I need to snap myself out of the doldrums. Its the holidays, after all.

Because I never have photos here are photos taken from a friends cam just today. Be thrilled. Im bunking in a friends place in Brunei.



Its ike the obligatory cam/mirror shot!


Poser.

Its all about the hair.

Im off to bed. Finally. The sun is rising :/

You would think that with the numerous events that have happened to me of late, I would have more to blog about, but you know what, I dont.

I could write about many things such as the night I forked out less than ten bucks for numerous amounts of baileys and tequila poured down my throat, the depressing three days I spent locked in my room (of course with the bathroom breaks but no ingestion of any food substance) simply sleeping and feeling protected by a thin layer of blanket from the harsh harsh world and the realization that no one knew or cared I was doing that because I felt, in all senses of the word, depressed, well that kinda made me suck it up and get out. I could write about my playing a dangerous game with a guy and having it burn me in the process and then having me rebound to the nearest nicest guy which then hurt him in the process. I could write about my units not making any sense of sense to me this semester because everytime I tried to study, the feeling of loneliness and desperation and pressure just threatened to choke me.

I am not dumb and my course is not easy. Accounting stumps me yet thrills me and information systems excites me. But this semester they just didnt do it for me.

I could write about my failed attempts to make a difference and let you be swaddled in my misery. I could write about the day I wanted to go out so bad but I had no one to turn to and the day I wanted to stay in so bad and then have people come and join me. I culd write about the fake smiles and the insincere smiles and insincere quetsions asked about my life by people who believed they were doing the right thing when it came to me, keeping me an arms length away but not realising they were doing more harm than good. And about those who believed they knew me through and through and never gave me a chance.


I didnt stand a chance.

The semester is over. My exams are done. My heart is in splinters and my soul is desperate to be fed. My mind digests nothing and I crave more than this world has to offer. I dont crave love.Or friendship. No. I have had my chances at love and I pushed them away because I knew full well it wasnt right, it wasnt right at all for me to love them when I didnt love myself at the moment. And I have my friends who understand me. And Im ever grateful.

But what I lost somewhere along this semester is a sense of self. I dont know why and I dont know how but I can tell you I feel like a hollow shell of my former self. And Im tired.

I deathly tired of fixing myself.

But I have to. Because no one else will.

But I feel like broken glass. The more I try to fix myself, the more I bleed.

I am alone and that state will remain for a long time. Because I need to heal from past hurts and current ones.

It hurts.

I wish I could fast forward to 2007. Because if I am okay then that means I get through this year.

DOnt get me wrong. Im not suffering from depression. I think. but i just feel very unhappy right now and I want to pause my life and ask it to wait for me until I come back and am ready for it again.

On a completely different note, I think Ive perfected the art of not sleeping. I am suffering from insomnia.

I can’t go back to yesterday – because I was a different person then.
Lewis Carroll
Hey how are you? Glad you came.
Look, I..Im tired of this old game we're playing.
Youre not? You think we could and should continue? Like how we are?
Is it dangerous? Is it not?
Its not harming anyone.Whats that you say?
Its not harming anyone.
But you know, if we continue like this, it could, you know.
It could harm someone. Namely you and me.
So hey. Um. Dont look at me like that! Listen to me.

Tell you what.

You..you go do your thing and I'll..I'll go do mine.

Coz you are who you are and I am who I am. Different? Maybe. Complicated? Very.

If, in the end, we end up together, it will be glorious.
And in the end, if we dont..

Well then, in its own heartbreaking way..Then that will be glorious too.
Though between you and me, I'll always think of how we could have been.

Because you gotta admit, despite of or maybe in spite of it all..

we really could have been...

So beautiful.

"When are you people going to learn? It's not about who's right or wrong. No denomination's nailed it yet, and they never will because they're all too self-righteous to realize that it doesn't matter what you have faith in, just that you have faith. Your hearts are in the right place, but your brains need to wake up." - Dogma

ATTENTION. I need new MSN friends. So if anyones reading this and would like to laugh/ponder/ at my amazing/silly banter, please add me at at januaryblue126@Hotmail.com And if youre a hater, uh, go away. END ATTENTION.

Like anyone will actually add. Pfft.

One nervous call down.

Two friendster profiles updated.

Three new mosquito scars on my left leg alone.

Four days till my first final exam.

Five oreo cheesecake fantasies down.

And about a bajillion mosquitoes Ive killed so far.

Is it possible to be so annoyingly numb that even the threat of exams looming near isnt enough for me to get out of bed and actually study?

The problem with rumours is that it doesnt affect the rumour mongers as much as it doesthe people talked about. And its a vicious never ending cycle. Because I dont think that when the girl set out to kiss the boy in public, or when that boy decided to break up with that girl in private, did any of them ever want themselves to be the topic of the day the very next day.

I am really nervous about a lot of things. My mom's health, which doesnt seem to be improving. Unwanted attention from people Id rather not pay attention to, and yet no attention from the ones I crave it from. I hate that obtaining a visa, for example, is taking such a long time and theres no assurance I'll even get it, which is really getting me down. Im nervous about my four final exams, which I havent even really begun studying for, despite my hours of staring at my books. Its like Im trying to will the knowledge into my head with osmosis, andthats a very far flung occurence. Im nervous about my hair, because its becoming really hard to manage again.Its like I pore over meaningless websites to fill my head with unnecessary information, because this info doesnt matter. And my exams do.

So why cant I get off the net and just study?

I think the world cup started today. But Im not sure.

Wait.

Yes. It did.

Go England!

Why cant I have exams like this?

BONUS QUESTION ON CHEMISTRY EXAM


The following is supposedly an actual question given on University of
Washington chemistry mid-term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic(absorbs heat*)?


Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:


First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave, therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.


With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman Year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being, which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

There are certain things about my life I know I can't change. They're not just little things, or even flaws. They're lifelong characteristics embedded into who I am. And having no control over those things, what they mean, or their effect on my future truely scares me. cloudyskynine on LJ.

If any of you were in the Star Cineplex last Thursday night and heard someone screaming "REFUND OR REWIND" during the premiere of Da Vinci Code because the blasted reel started from the WASHROOM scene, it was me. Started a mini rally and
it was fun. Im such an exhibitionist.

They moved the 830 movie to 930 and cancelled it so I had to watch the 12 midnite show, which was cool in itself, but I didnt get to start any rallies anymore as it played perfectly. Except for the Silas/Remy part where it stopped so I ran out to pee and Im sure my friends thought I was off to complain again. Peace, people.

So, I've gotten wastedplasteredsmasheddrunkouttamymind (SOMUCHFUN), left my laptop at uni because of said wastage and ended up having to cycle back with friends the next day and handing it to my guy friend to cycle back with, found a cool picnic style place to chill midst cyclage, ended up watching Da Vinci Code TWICE (dont ask) on different days, had Coffee Bean coffee and cake three times (do u know how many calories one of those things are!?), spent a day and a sunset at the beach, stayed overnight at three different homes and three different beds (im a nomad so sue me), discovered a new cheap brand of vodka which is funnily stupid but gooooood, found a new pubplace, spent time with fun friends, discovered new things about current people, rekindled friendships and let go of some old ones and am just generally slacking off and enjoying myself.

And my exams start on the 13th.

*insert swearage here*

If I dont buckle up, I swear Im going to fail EVERYTHING.

But dayamn, am I having fun.

Slap me, please.

But not too hard. I still need my face sometimes.